it's hard sometimes.:(
Andreas is feeling much better today. He has started going again, and only has occasional cramps as far as I can tell. We kept him home for 1 more day. I'm glad,too, because yesterday afternoon, his lips broke out in blisters. Today, they are crusty red sores that look horrible! I am sure they hurt him, too. Poor little guy!
After lunch, he sat in my lap and asked to look at the laptop. He LOVES watching the videos of himself. I accidentally clicked on the orphanage pictures. Wow was A happy!! I mean OVERJOYED!! He danced around the kitchen and babbled on in Eesti. I was laughing and delighting in his joy. It would be impossible not to be happy for someone as happy as Andreas was at that moment. He asked me a question and I just nodded and said, "yeah". He squealed and ran for his boots shouting, "Mami and Andreas are going HOME to the orphanage!" The bubble of joy in my heart deflated like a balloon. Had he asked me to take him home? How did I miss it?
Feeling like the most horrible person in the world, I had to tell him that I was not taking him home to the orphanage. He stood in front of his reflection in the microwave and told himself, "no". Then he would look at me and smile and ask me again if I would take him to the orphanage. I had to keep saying, "no". When he stopped asking me, it was even worse. He would look at his reflection and ask himself. Then he would frown and sternly say,"no, ei". I felt so sad for him.
Then, I will admit it even if I get grief for it, I started to feel sorry for myself. I felt rejected. I felt like a failure. I have been trying so hard, and still I'm not good enough? Then I caught myself. I KNEW this would happen. I tried to prepare myself for it, but it still caught me off guard. It still hurts to feel second-best.
Anyway, I was prepared for it. Andreas IS what this is all about. He is the one who has lost everything he knows and LOVES. Thank the Lord, that he knows how to love and be loved. Help me, Lord, to allow him to grieve without letting my own feelings get in the way! Help his heart to heal so that he can truly love us. Help us to love him in such a way that he learns of You and KNOWS Your love for him.
Help me to be tough when it hurts, and not to take it to heart. You have been, are, and will be faithful. Amen.
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6 comments:
Oh honey, I think you are entitled to feel a little sorry for yourself! You have gone through so much to get him home, you love him so dearly. It's hard to feel rejected when you love your child so deeply. Just remember how new this all is to him. I've never adopted so don't have advice btu I bet other people will
I am so sorry it is tough. O asked a few weeks ago for me to drive him to Raili's house. He gets toy phones and pretends to call her. When he sees her pictures he acts so happy and yells. Sometimes it makes me wonder too. My husbands says the same thing, that he wonders if O misses the orphanage too. It has only been a little time for Andreas. I am sure it will get easier over time for A. I will pray for the both of you!!! Hugs, my sister in Christ.
Oh boy that makes me sad. It will take time but he will soon know this is home. And you are a great mom!!
alice - just know that we are here for you all and you are always in our prayers..
Hi Alice-Give Andreas some time. My son Brett used to asked for Veronika (his cargiver) when he first came home. He even ran up to a lady who looked like her and he was so happy. The woman did not know him - he was so confused and crushed. All I can tell you it gets better with time. He will know that this is his family and his is truly loved!!
Evelina was so depressed when she came home. It wasn't that long ago she told me she wanted to go back and I told her we had no money and she was stuck with me as her mom forever ! It is amazing what having friends at school has done for her.
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