Sunshine and Shadows

The sun was shining all morning and the days are getting longer! Ok, maybe only a few minutes each day, but every moment counts.:) The darkness hasn't bothered me as much this year. I think it is because so much of me is always caught up in Estonia where it is even darker. This afternoon is looking wintry, though. The river is beginning to freeze to a dull, milky gray. The ground is white from recent snow and the sky is white as well. Here and there pale blue patches peek through the clouds. It makes me shiver to look out the window. The shiver is probably from the cold air that seeping through the windows. Pulling the shades helps keep in the heat, but it shuts out the light. I have to keep those shades open!

A college student from our church spent the last 2 winters in Sweden, even farther North than Tallinn. I asked her how people deal with the darkness. She said everyone tries to make the best of it by making their homes bright and cheerful. People burn lots of candles, and fireplaces or stoves that allow you to see the fire are also popular. I would love to have a pellet stove with a glass front! Maybe next year....

Recently I noticed a faint, but undeniable shadow around Connor's upper lip. I wanted to cry! There is something Peter Pan-like about Connor. I just don't want him to grow up. He is such a perfect boy!! Thinking about Connor made me sad and started feeding the impatient monster in my heart. Soon it was screaming in frustration. If I don't get Andres home soon, it will be too late. He will be grown up and we'll have missed it! I hate how I feel when I let those feelings overwhelm me. I really don't like being reminded that I am not in control and I cannot get what I want RIGHT NOW!! So I yelled and stomped my feet and complained about how unfair it is that I have to wait. I did manage to hold back the tears which gave me a horrible headache and that achey tightness in my chest that sort of feels like heartburn.

The next day Dan and I went to finish our last minute Christmas shopping. Our first stop was the bookstore to find a "special" for our great-niece, Mary. Both of us LOVE reading books to kids, and choose books with great care. While I was searching the shelves I noticed a little boy sitting at my feet playing with books and toys. I didn't pay much attention until I heard his voice. Something about his speech caught my ear. I looked more closely and realized he had Downs. I moved just slightly so I could watch him play. Tears started streaming down my face and a huge sob built up in my chest. I knew I couldn't let myself cry because I would not be able to stop. I turned my back and walked away until I was under control again.

I couldn't keep my eyes off him. I watched his hands turn the pages of a book. His fingers were short and his skin was dry, so like Andres' hands in my pictures. He leaned forward to grab some toys and he leaned way too far forward. Only people with very flexible joints can move like that. It was so amazing to watch him. I looked around for his family, but they must have been waiting in the very long line because he was totally alone. I know he wasn't really alone, and I know he wasn't Andres, but he was the closest thing I have right now. I wanted to scoop him up and run away so that I could have him all to myself. Isn't that crazy? All the time, tears were streaming down my face and I knew I was being ridiculous. Thankfully, Dan was too engrossed in book shopping to notice.:) Somehow, I got the tears to stop and helped Dan find a book. We chose, The Mitten, by Jan Brett. It is one of our favorites. I especially like it now, because the setting is Eastern Europe(Ukraine, actually),and it reminds me of Estonia.

After we found the book, I turned back to watch the boy some more. This time he looked up at me and melted my heart with grin. I was surprised to notice a shadow, just like Connor's on his upper lip. He wasn't such a little boy after all. He was a handsome young man with brown hair and brown eyes, wearing glasses. When I looked more closely, I realized he must be at least 12 or 13, and he was taller than I first noticed. His smile got the tears flowing again, but this time I was smiling, too. In his lap he had 2 dolls and a puppet. He was playing with Bert, Ernie and Elmo.:) It was such a precious reminder that it is not too late. When we get to Andres he may be taller and bigger than I am imagining, but in so many ways he will still be a little boy. The monster in my heart is drowsing peacefully again...for now.