I am very glad that everyone is excited and happy and overjoyed for us because I honestly have not felt any of those things. When we first got the call I was stunned, shocked, unable to comprehend that it was real. That was followed by a deep sense of relief and gratitude to our Ever Faithful Lord. After that came sorrow and shame that I had ever doubted Him.
Since then, I have spent 3 days sick, then busy preparing for the trip and Christmas and racing to swim meets and concerts and dance recitals. I have been overwhelmed, stressed, and busy-way too busy to feel much of anything positive. BUT....I am convinced that since this is God's timing, it is the right time. I am convinced that when I am weak, He is strong. I am trying to remember to pray. It feels like I am holding a lifeline. Grace, strength, wisdom, peace. Those are my constant requests. I am NOT unhappy or miserable. I am okay.
While I was packing Little Man's new belongings, it struck me that he, like all of my children, will come to me naked and empty-handed. None of my children arrived without a great deal of pain and hard work. This labor will be very different, but no less difficult. I remember rejoicing at those first signs of labor and the early pains. I think I congratulated God on His choice of timing. A little later, when those early pains began to grow stronger, though, I changed my tune. "Maybe tomorrow would be better, Lord. You could just stop things for a while, and I'll rest a bit more, and then I'll be ready." It didn't take long to realize that resting wasn't an option, so I gave up fighting and gave myself over to the process. I so want to do that with this process. I am afraid because so much is unknown. I know it is going to hurt, and I wonder how I am going to handle it. I know it will be hard, and I don't want to lose control. People will be watching, and I want to look good. Somehow, admitting these things makes them seem less important and smaller.
I have to get back to work. There is still MUCH to be done! Please keep our family in prayer. I don't want to lose Christmas in all this rush and bustle.
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4 comments:
It'll be ok. You can admit to feelings of doubt, fear, anxiety and anything else you are feelings. You are entitled to these feelings and we won't judge you! Still, I can't wait to see your little man!
You could never loose Christmas. Just like Jesus was born, so will Andreas, right into your family. Just so you know, and you already do, but I'll spell it all out. I was scared to death. The whole 18 days before we left and until we got through immigration in Chicago, I did not let my guard down. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed because you have no idea what to expect. Just keep in mind that you have someone holding you up through this. You are allowing God to work in your life and none of this has to be done alone. Heck, look at all the stuff I had messed up, and STILL is all worked out. At least they are picking you up at the airport lol. We almost did not have a way into the apartment. I like to think God touched the kind man who let us use his phone. If you need anything and I can help, you know where I am.
Shea(your sister in Christ)
I am so out of the loop, I visited your blog because I thought surely you had to be travelling soon! And you are! I am so happy for you. What a glorious time for your family.
I can so relate to this post, but I am still in the "doubting God" phase. I keep getting out of it, but then slide back in. I am praying for you and look forward to hearing more.
:)
Justine
adopting Timothy (age 9 with DS) from Hong Kong...just waiting for my High Court Order so I can go get my boy
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